Ectopic scan

With the news still not quite sinking in that I was in fact pregnant, a few weeks had passed and the nausea had kicked in and although I knew 100% my body was going through some pretty epic changes, on the outside, nobody knew our secret, apart from me and my husband.

Visiting the Doctors

I was on the internet daily, signing up to every parenting blog, club, forum and ap available. I had visited the GP, to be told that I didn't actually need to see them, unless I thought there was anything wrong and that taking a pregnancy test these days was pretty accurate! They would pass my details directly onto the midwife team and I could expect to hear from them as and when they needed to see me.
This was the first shock. I was waiting to go to my doctors and do a more, well more professional, or more accurate pregnancy test. Surely my cheapy pregnancy tests from Tesco couldn't be what the doctors and midwives rely on to confirm a pregnancy and start the process of booking in appointments? They didn't even need to see proof of my preserved and saved pee stick! Yes, I kept it in the box for reassurance when I couldn't still believe I was actually pregnant. The doctors simply took my word for it.
I was expecting a quick appointment, get it confirmed by a professional, get some advice and then wait for all the routine appointments.
I was expecting at least a nudge of confirmation and congratulations but instead went straight home with our secret, waiting for our first introduction to the midwife team. This, we were told would be around week 8 to 10, we were currently around 6 weeks pregnant.

Morning Sickness and Beige food! 

As the days went past the feeling sick got worse, if I constantly grazed on beige food throughout the day it would keep me from being physically sick but the feeling was dreadful. Imagine a really bad hangover where you mixed all the wine, spirits and cider and then did several shots for good measure. However, this hangover never passes and just carries on. All the books advise you that staying healthy and eating lots of fruit and veg is the key during pregnancy. What actually works, in reality is actually beige food. That healthy food group otherwise know as carbs! Dry biscuits, crackers, CRISPS, nothing flavoured but hoola hoop after hoola hoop followed by pombears would pour down my throat. I was convinced the whole office knew I was pregnant, I mean I was a runner, I was healthy, I would never snack at my desk and would always, always eat lunch with several pieces of fruit. Suddenly this was all out of the window and I was eating constantly.

Some days it was easy to forget about the tiny seed growing inside me. It's difficult when feeling like you are going to throw up into your hand bag but sometimes in between those moments you feel completely and utterly normal. You get tied up in an important meeting at work and completely and utterly forget about what is going on inside your body and what is going to happen in 9 months time.

What are those shooting pains?

But then one day, this all changes. One day whilst going through your new routine of eating every beige carb in sight you get a new pain. You get an excruciating twang, like a period pain, but localised to one spot and then it's gone? I thought, well that was odd? I wonder if that's normal and proceed to doctor Google for answers. The pain comes and goes and little short sharp waves of stabbing pain wash over me.
As I search about for answers I start convincing myself it's all normal and implantation pains. Then another wave of nausea washes over me and suddenly combine that with these stabbing pains and I'm clenching my fists and gritting my teeth through the pain and in that instance, jump up from my desk making a break for the loo as fear vomit will be ejecting my face shortly.

I wasn't sick but the pains were washing over me in waves and I started to wonder if this really was normal? You hear loads of tales of morning sickness when talking to pregnant friends and family but no one mentions any waves of stabbing pain?

Giving up on doctor Google I decide to give the midwife a call and ask for their advice if this is normal or not.
The midwife asks about the pains, asks lots of questions, asks if the pain is one sided, of which it was, and then casually says "well it sounds like it could possibly be an ectopic pregnancy so we want to rule that out, come to the hospital tomorrow for an emergency scan"
I literally grabbed my belongings, cleared my desk in a matter of seconds and legged it out the door. I phoned my husband in tears fearing the absolute worst.
My mind was racing with hundreds of questions. What if the baby is an ectopic and we loose it? What if it's gone too far and I need a tube removed? What if this is the only chance I will ever have of having a baby and I loose them all? I've only just started to get my head around having a baby and now we might not be having a baby.
My husband is a superstar as ever and convinced me that what if it was all ok, and me stressing out would harm the perfectly healthy baby and convinced me to calm down and relax and wait for the scan and further results before panicking and getting too stressed.

Early pregnancy detection unit at the hospital

After a night of little sleep and many silent tears into my pillow I got up and took a shower and we headed to the hospital. We arrived via the maternity entrance. Women with bumps, women with their treasured folders of notes to see them through their personal pregnancies. Couples leaving the hospital looking petrified with their newborns and then us. We were pointed in the direction of the early pregnancy department and waited for our appointment.

We were called into the room and explained that they would look for a sack, look for a heart beat and look for quantity? Well that hadn't even crossed my mind that it might be twins! My mind was racing, we lifted my top, lowered the waistband on my trousers and covered me in a little jelly. The lady started to move the ultrasound around, she moved all over the place, pressing really quite hard and then stopped. I think at that moment my heart and breathing also stopped. She then said, there you go, that little splodge, that little flicking splodge is your baby. It's all in the right place and that little flicker is the heart!!!

Tears started to roll down my face, our little splodge was not an ectopic pregnancy. Our little splodge was real. The sonographer continued to scan away and then paused, she said "look, see ALL those bubbles rushing up the screen? That's gas"
GAS, WIND, FART!!! The cause of all that pain was bloody wind! I suddenly went from feeling the rush of emotions that our baby was in the right place to the rage of embarrassment. Did we just waste the hospitals time getting a scan for a fart??

Always get any worries or concerns checked

The sonographer was lovely and told us that it's always better to check and always happy to reassure pregnant ladies and no one is wasting anyone's time. She also agreed that trapped wind can often, be very painful and with my emotions going haywire it was the right thing to check.
She printed out our photo of our splodge and we left the hospital clutching this little piece of paper with a blob on it. It was our little blob and after the bubbles on the screen, we named it Bubble.

We were back to cautiously being excited and happy that we were pregnant clutching onto our little secret. We left the hospital, holding onto each other and holding our little photo. We were having a baby.

My running times have slowed down, could I be pregnant?

I like to run. I go to a regular running club once a week and I LOVE going to ParkRun every Saturday. But my times were slowing down a bit and I was really struggling to run at my usual pace.

It was July and during the heat of the summer and we were in a mini heatwave but I just couldn't run like I used to. I went on a regular 10km route that I've done loads of times before and I just couldn't run. I walked LOADS. I walked on hilly sections, I stopped halfway and had to buy water and I just felt out of sorts.

I few days later it suddenly dawned on me..... could I???? Could we??? Surely not!!! People don't get pregnant on the second month of trying, do they?

My period was not late yet as I wasn't actually due yet and had another few days until I was due on. Although my periods are always all over the place and quite irregular, my handy little mobile phone ap was telling me I had another 4 days to wait until Aunty Flow was coming to visit.

I mentioned it to my husband on the Friday night that maybe... just maybe my running was flaky because, what if, what if I was pregnant???

We were actually off for an evening bike ride, another ten miles of exercise and the ride was great in the warm summers evening but driving home we stopped via Tesco to get a pack of pregnancy tests. Even if we weren't... we would need them for the coming months so worth a purchase.

My husband didn't want to test that evening as didn't see the point until my period was actually late but I had insisted on buying tests that could tell you whether you were pregnant up to 5 days before your missed period.

Saturday morning arrived and I went off to Parkrun as I did every Saturday morning. It was another HOT day. Like really hot, 25'C before 9am hot and I had to walk up sections and talked to other runners who were saying how gruelling this heat was and again I was slower than the previous week. I blamed the heat, naturally, anyone would. But I got home and felt awful. Maybe I had just dehydrated, maybe last nights bike ride and this mornings run was too much in the heat and I just needed a rest.

Sunday arrived and I couldn't wait any longer for my period due date to arrive, so we sat in the bathroom together and I pee'd on a little pregnancy test stick. My husband sitting on the edge of the bath, myself sitting on the edge of the toilet. He was reading the instructions and asking how long it would take for a result to appear.
I instantly replied, I don't think we need to wait for a result as a line had appeared instantly. It was saying we were pregnant!!!

WHAT THE ACTUAL!!!
We hugged, a weird, emotional awkward hug, trying not to wipe the pee stick test still in my hand on his clothes as we hugged.
I couldn't believe it! Perhaps it wasn't the heat that was slowing down my Parkrun times and perhaps there was in fact another reason for my body slowing itself down.

We were expecting a baby!!!

Honeymoons and baby making.

Once we were married, and still not using any contraception it was now our time to really start trying for a baby.

Just a couple of days after the wedding we flew out to Mauritius for a two week honeymoon and it was amazing. We were so in love and we made love a lot. It was the best time of our lives just being the two of us. Relaxing, enjoying the scenery, the food and each other and it was an amazing break after the stress and build up to the big day.

We got back from honeymoon and settled back into normal life. Back to work, back to our home and back to thinking about the next chapter of our lives, starting a family.

We knew it could potentially take months to conceive and with myself now being 33 and my husband 38 we didn't want to waste a minute of trying. We had slept together a lot during our honeymoon and believed the dates were right but nothing had happened. I wasn't expecting anything to happen on first attempt but the practising was lovely!

Once back from honeymoon I decided to look into my dates and even buy ovulation testing kits to give us a much better idea of when we should be trying.
Each day I would pee on a little stick and wait to see if I was ovulating. But nothing showed up! It was only early days so perhaps my dates were wrong and it was only month two of trying, so plenty of time to get our heads around ovulation kits and dates and fertile signs to look out for.

It was my husbands birthday this month and we celebrated between the sheets and classed this as month 2 of trying and waited to see again if anything was to happen.

Where have we been for the last 2 years??

In early 2017 we decided to start trying for a baby.

But it February 2017 my then boyfriend completely changed our lives. Whilst on holiday in Vienna, whilst at the zoo looking at the pandas, he popped the question and asked me to marry him!

Of course I said yes and we began making plans to get married in just 14 months time. We had been together for nearly 9 years and in 14 months time it would have marked 10 years of being together and this was the perfect date for us to get married.

But where does this leave the baby making???

I didn't want to be pregnant whilst walking down the isle. I also didn't want to have morning sickness walking down the isle.... and lets be honest... I wanted to be able to enjoy the day and have a glass of bubbles or two and we decided the best thing to do was put a hold on the baby making plans and concentrate on the wedding.

April 2018 came around quicker than we both expected and before we knew it we were walking down the isle, saying our vows and are now husband and Wife.

So that leaves us with going back to that next stage in life... trying to start a family.

Getting pregnant is a lot harder than you think!

We've only made the decision fairly recently to actually actively start trying for a baby and after the first few months of unsuccessful trying we start to learn a Little bit more about how it all works.

Now I'm not talking about the birds and the bees but more ovulation testing kits, daily body temperatures and cervical mucus! Yes that is certainly the recipe for love making right there!

I've gone through my teens worrying that every sexual encounter 'might' end up in pregnancy and even though I was taking the pill would also use condoms to protect against STI's and a double pregnancy protection barrier.

But now I am understanding the process a lot more and realising that the egg only lives for 24 hours inside your body and you only have a fertile window of around 5 days per month AND this can change from month to month depending on your cycle..... WOAH THERE. I had this misguided conception (excuse the pun) that if you were having unprotected sex then you can get pregnant but the reality is there's a lot more involved and timing is pretty crucial.

So armed with all this extra knowledge it's time to start looking at the calendar and planning things a little more precisely to give us the best chance of conception.

Trying too hard to concieve

After several months of myself not taking contraception and getting my head into the idea that this was going to be a real thing and we were going to start trying to make our own family my fella was now also ready to start trying but it is a very, very scary thought.

For so many people starting a family is a natural easy mutual step in any relationship. Whereas after being together for nearly 9 years building a house and careers together it has been a huge decision to even contemplate trying to take the next step and it's scary!

We know when we should be fertile and should be doing the do but how on earth do you just crack on and do something as serious as change the rest of your lives and start the next chapter.

Let's just say, our first attempt did not go well! It was lovely and loving and romantic but it didn't end in the climax that we required to have our first shot at getting the job done.
I think we have spent so many months thinking about the possibilities and the pros and the cons and thought so much about our decision that the actual event  lost it's spark.

Here's to next month trying again to make our own little Panda Cub. I think we might need a lot more practise and a lot less pressure!

It's a funny one really, I have spent the last 16 years of my life trying not to get pregnant and just having sex as a pleasure but now suddenly sex is completely and utterly different and now we have a job to do it makes everything different.

I think we need to re-address our way of thinking and get back to young carefree loving sex together if we want this to work.

The biggest decision of my life

Where on earth do you start?

For years growing up I never and I mean NEVER wanted children. I wanted to be just like my great Aunty Amy and her husband in a loving happy relationship without a care in the world, a home, jobs, friends, money but most definitely not children.

I don't even really like children, I mean, they completely change your life, they use up all your money and well they are just annoying, and messy, and dirty and loud... I could go on listing the reasons why I don't want children.

And then it gets you wondering, should I have children? Why don't I want children? Am I selfish not yet wanting children? Am I normal not yet having a maternal instinct in my body?

Before long the years have flown by and I suddenly find myself the other side of 30, still childless and watching all my close friends and family starting their families and like a bullet to the head it then hit me. Holding onto my brand new nephew staring at him, feeding him and getting a warm fuzzy feeling inside it hit me that maybe just maybe was I finally now ready? I could have been drunk, this was over the Christmas festive period.

In the summer after reaching my 31st birthday I had already decided that I should think about having children before it might be too late and made the decision to stop taking my contraception. This wasn't completely a decision that I had made on my own and wasn't something that I had kept a secret from my partner but I knew that he, and even we weren't yet ready.
But it was the next step and although the permanent contraception was no longer we weren't activelt trying to concieve.

This was actually all rather exhilarating as it felt like we were teenagers again and felt like something slightly naughty compared to the usual regular safe sex.

As the months went by we discussed things more and more and we discussed baby names and finances and both became a lot more comfortable with the idea that this was definitely something that we really wanted to move ahead with.

As the months went on we were sleeping together without 'doing the do' and although In my head this was the next step by having unprotected sex I knew that my partner still wasn't ready and we discussed things further. It's a huge life changing decision and we both need to be ready.

Then as the new year began, we were having sex one morning and my other half completed the deed! I looked into his eyes and we carried on as if nothing happened. I knew my dates and I knew that nothing could happen but I also knew that by him doing this he must now be ready. A few days passed after sleeping together before we spoke about it and in an odd bumbling British way, we spoke about it. For a man that is nearly 40 years old him admitting to himself that we are now 'Trying for a baby' was a huge step.

So there we are, it's official, WE ARE TRYING FOR A BABY.